Relearning to Breathe
by Scenery-Poetry
Summary: *Post CoLS.* After the break up, Alec goes missing after a fight with a demon. Magnus is asked to help find him. One-shot, but could be more later on. brief mention of rape, nothing graphic.


**Disclaimer: Do pigs fly?  
I do not own anything that is recognizable. It all belongs to Cassandra Clare.**

**Warnings: Very brief mentions of rape. I promise there's nothing graphic.**

_"It's over. I don't want to see you again, Alec. Or any of your friends. I'm tired of being their pet warlock."  
"It means I love you. Not that that changes anything."  
"You didn't trust me. You never have."_

It's been weeks now and Alexander Lightwood can't help but replay those words spoken to him over and over again. Each day is getting harder to live, to breathe. It hurts. He has told Jace and Isabelle that it's over between the two of them, but he refused to tell them the details. Of course, that lead up to Izzy going straight to the warlock's home and giving him a big telling off. Needless to say, she wasn't very happy with Alec when Magnus told her exactly what had happened.

There's a knock on his door and it opens revealing his mother. Alec looks up at her from his position on his bed.

"Alec, you can't stay in here forever. Your duty as Shawdowhunter comes before anything and right now, duty calls."

Alec nods. He stands up and starts to gather his gear.

The fight was a hard one, that's for sure. Alec has to use most of his arrows before the demon was defeated. Thankfully, most of them could be recovered as well. He gets down from where he was perched during the fight.

"Alec, that last shot was not a second too late. You probably saved my life," Jace said.

Alec gives a sideways grin. "That's why I'm you _parabatai_."

"I'm famished," Isabelle says loudly. "Is there anywhere we can get a bite to eat this late?"

"Izzy, really? This is like the Downworlder capital. I'm sure we'll be able to find some place," Jace says.

Isabelle grins. "I'm calling Simon to see if he wants to join. Maybe Clary can too?"

Alec's stomach lurches. "I think I'm gonna head back to the Institute. I'm pretty beat."

Jace gives him an odd look but nods. "We'll call if we need you."

Alec nods again and starts to take the journey home by himself. He hates the fact that everyone around him seems to have someone. He just can't stand to be around it knowing that he ruined his chances of happiness.

It's not long before Alec finds himself right in the heart of Brooklyn. He scoffs to himself. Even his feet know where he truly wants to be. He just can't be here. He can't go over there, and knock on the door when he used to have access whenever he wanted. Before he does anything else stupid, Alec stands up to the curb and starts to raise his arm to flag down a cab. But before he can raise his arm all the ways he is grabbed from behind and forcefully maneuvered into an alley.

Alec's instincts kick in at that moment and he starts to fight against the strong hold keeping him from running off.

"Feisty little Shadowhunter," a deep voice purrs in his ear.

He feels himself being shoved against a brick wall; the hard, rough surface makes him wince when he collides against it. Alec starts to go for his seraph blade when he feels the sparks of magic making him freeze in place.

"I don't think so, little Nephilim. You keep that blade in its hiding spot."

"Let me go. You're breaking the Laws of the Accords."

"You're armed. I have every right to defend myself."

Alec laughs bitterly. "I was on my way home, Downworlder. And do you think the Clave will believe you over me? Now let me go. I don't want to be here any longer."

"Ah yes... I knew I had the right one. You were our High Warlock's little pet. We all know about you. It brings me great joy to know that I have you in my trap."

Alec flinches at the mention of Magnus. He doesn't reply back to the warlock.

"Now I get to see what all the fuss is about. I heard you were a pretty one, but there has to be something more about you. And I'm pretty sure I know what it is."

The warlock comes in too close for Alec's comfort. The light of the street lights makes it easy for him to make out what the warlock looks like. He has pale skin, almost white and translucent like a vampire's and two ears coming out from the top of his head. Alec's breath gets caught in his throat when he sees vertical pupils and the same yellow-green that resembles Magnus'. He struggles with his the magical bonds, but they only seem to scorch his wrists and ankles. Alec yells out in pain, and the warlock laughs.

"Oh I can already tell you much fun you're going to be. If I were you, I wouldn't try that again. That was only just a warning."

Alec gets forcefully turned around so he is facing the brick wall. The warlock presses up against him and starts to fumble around with his pants. Alec squeezes his eyes shut.

"And please scream all you want. I want to hear you but no one else will be able to."

And scream is something Alec does.

Magnus wakes up to the sound of someone pressing his buzzer over and over again. He growls at the rude interruption of his beauty sleep. Whoever it is better have a really good reason and a lot of money. He presses the call button.

"Bane," he snaps.

"Magnus, is Alec with you?" he hears a feminine voice. It's Isabelle Lightwood.

"No. He has no reason to be. Now if you excuse me, I'm going back to bed."

"Magnus, please. He hasn't come back home from a demon hunt. We haven't had a call or a text from him."

Magnus freezes at that, but he holds his firm tone. "That isn't exactly my problem, Miss Lightwood."

"Oh, don't give me that, Magnus Bane! I know you're worried about him just as much as I am. And trust me when I say you would be the last person I would call about this. I will pay you whatever you want. I just want to know if he's safe. He hasn't been the same. I'm terribly worried about him. I can't lose him."

Magnus takes in a deep breath. He knows by every right, he should just walk away, but he knows that Isabelle doesn't get distraught like this.

"Alright, come on up. I'll track him down for you."

It doesn't take long for Isabelle to come up to his apartment. He opens the door for her.

"Thank you. Everyone is looking in all the normal places that he could have gone just in case he wants to be alone, but this is so not like him. He would have at least told someone where he would be."

"Well that's good at least. Do you have something of his?"

"Don't you?" Isabelle asks.

Magnus gives her a look. "No."

"Right…" Isabelle fishes through her pockets. She pulls out a ring and hands it over to him.

Magnus nods and starts to do the preparations for the spell. When he is ready, he starts to chant the words. Surprisingly it actually doesn't take long for the spell to show results.

"Well, that's good at least," Magnus says.

"What?"'

"He's close and seems to be alive. Otherwise, it wouldn't have worked that fast."

Isabelle takes a deep breath. "Where is he?"

"Just a few blocks down. I'll come with you just in case he needs to be healed."

Alec closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. He doesn't have the strength to get up and move about. Everywhere just hurts. His shirt is torn and hanging off one shoulder, and his pants…well he tries not to dwell on that. All of his weapons are gone, even his stele. He would have used that long ago to heal the worst of it.

He is at least comforted by the fact that it's getting light out. At least there won't be any demons or vampires around that could potentially hurt or kill him. He knows that his family has already realized that he is missing. He'll end their worrying as soon as he can stand and walk. He just doesn't want them to find him like that, especially not Jace.

He leans his head back against the hard brick wall and closes his eyes. He takes in a deep breath and tries to block it all out. He knows if he thinks about what happened he'd break down. Right now, he needs rest to gain energy so he can get home.

"Alec!"

He curses in his head as he hears his sister's voice. He squeezes his eyes shut as she hears her hurried footsteps coming closer. She kneels down in front of him.

"Alec, what happened?" she whispers, concern pouring from her voice.

Alec shakes head, telling her he doesn't want to talk about it.

"I'm so glad we found you. You have no idea what was going through my head. Come on, we have to get you healed."

"Can't move," Alec says hoarsely.

"Where's you stele?" Isabelle asks.

"I don't know."

"It's okay. I have mine with me." Isabelle pulls out her stele and start to draw the _iratze_ rune on him.

"Can you also give me a strength rune?"

Isabelle goes to draw it when she is stopped.

"No, sleep will do more than that. We can take him to my place. I can heal him there."

Alec closes his eyes. That damned voice. He'd rather Jace be here to see him like this rather than him. It's almost enough for him to break down, but he squeezes Isabelle's hand to make sure he doesn't.

"Alec?" Isabelle asks.

"I-I'm alright," he says to reassure her.

"I'd say not at the moment, but these physical wounds can be healed," Magnus says. "Right now you need sleep."

Alec nods. Magnus kneels down and touches his hand to Alec's head, and Alec slumps over.

Magnus noticed the flinch Alec made when he had touched him. In all honesty, he is worried about the Shadowhunter. He has never seen Alec look so broken before, not even when he healed him after the fight with the Greater Demon. It's the lack of luster his blue eyes that gives just how broken Alec is.

"What did you do?!" Isabelle yells.

Magnus sighs. "I just put him under a light sleeping spell. It's just so we can transport him back to my place easier." Magnus picks up Alec's limp body. He takes note to how light he feels. He's lost a bit of weight. "Call off the search party. I doubt Alec will want them to worry about him missing when he's been located. But I don't think he will want everyone around him either."

Isabelle nods. "Alright."

"I'm going to portal us there and then start to heal the worst of his injuries. I'll need some rest after that to get everything minor. And I hope that it's not what I think it is."

Isabelle looks at Magnus curiously. "What do you think-"

Magnus shakes his head. "Something that only he should say."

Magnus doesn't say anything else. He says the portal spell and goes through it. When he is inside of the apartment, he closes up the portal. Magnus heads straight into his bedroom and lays Alec on the bed. He spells away his clothes so he can examine all of his injuries. It's then he sees the marks around Alec's wrists. Those will have to be dealt with later. Magnus takes in a deep breath and begins to heal Alec. He stops any bleeding that hasn't stopped already and works on a scrape that Alec has on his head. Magnus looks down at Alec's thighs and sees dried blood there.

"Please, no…" Magnus whispers aloud. "He doesn't deserve this."

Magnus reluctantly turns the boy over and sure enough the evidence is clear enough for him. Anger and sadness start to boil up in him. He uses the last bit of magic he can to heal what was torn.

Magnus pulls away from Alec and sits down next to his sleeping form. He is completely drained and is starting to feel his 800 years.

"I'm so sorry, Alec."

Magnus runs his hand through the soft, black hair. He lies down and closes his eyes. He can't help but to wrap his arms around the young Shadowhunter, holding him protectively, not that it does any good now…

Alec stirs, feel quite rested and warm. He feels safe and secure, something he wasn't expecting after the… incident. He opens his eyes and a very familiar sight comes into view once his vision becomes focused. He turns his head and sees Magnus lying down next to him with his tan arms holding him. It's something he has desperately craved the last few weeks and he wants to feel elated, but the feeling just won't come. Instead, Alec can't stop thinking that he doesn't deserve to be held by Magnus like this, especially not after what he did. He knows Magnus couldn't have possibly forgiven him yet.

Alec pulls away from the sleeping warlock and stands up. It's then he noticed that he isn't wearing anything. The rational part of his brain tells him that Magnus had to undress him to make sure he is all healed. But the other part becomes paranoid. He finds his clothes and hurriedly puts them back on. He rushes into the bathroom and locks the door.

Alec takes a quick shower. He still has some demon blood on him from his last fight with one. He's not even sure how it happened. He reaches for the sandalwood scented body wash and starts to use it on himself. It's only too easy to pretend that nothing in these last few weeks, or months for that matter, has happened. Too easy to pretend that he's still very much happy with Magnus, at least for the moment. Because with pretending he can at least smile again. It's not something that is easy for him. Tears force themselves out of the corners of his eyes. He tries to hold them back, but it just feels like the entire world is crashing on top of him. It all started with that one mistake. He sinks down to the bottom of it and props up his knees. He rests his head on his knees and tries to take in many deep breaths.

He can't help but think to that last battle against the changed Shawdowhunters and after when Magnus was stabbed. Magnus had held his hand and used Alec's strength to be able to heal. He wonders if all this time he had spent with the warlock if he was somehow doing the same, drawing strength from Magnus with every touch. Because now that he doesn't have that anymore, he has felt so drained and tired.

_"Do you remember, the night of the battle on Valentine's ship, when I needed some of your strength?"_

_"Do you need it again now?" Alec said. "Because you can have it." _

_"I always need your strength, Alec," Magnus said, and closed his eyes as their intertwined fingers began to shine, as if between them they held the light of a star._

"Magnus, please forgive me. I need your strength too," he says. "I'm so lost without you."

He moves his hand and turns off the water but doesn't move just yet. In here he can pretend that Magnus isn't mad at him and everything is okay.

"Alec?"

Alec snaps out of his reverie and looks up at the colorful warlock. He doesn't say anything; he can't. Fresh tears pool into his eyes. Magnus takes a step forward.

"Please…" he pleads in a heart wrenching tone.

"You want to stay away?" Magnus asks.

Alec shakes his head. "Never. Make it stop hurting. I need you."

Despite what had happened just a few weeks ago, Magnus can't deny this broken form of the boy he loves. He rushes to Alec's side and pulls him into a hug. Alec grips his clothes tightly, getting Magnus wet in the process, but the warlock doesn't seem to mind. In fact, Magnus crawls into the tub with Alec.

"Alexander," Magnus whispers.

The sound of his full name makes Alec feel calm, like everything is going to be okay. They sit there for some time before Alec starts to shiver. Magnus holds him tightly.

"Would you like to dry off and put some clean clothes on?" Magnus asks.

Alec nods. "Just, don't leave me. I can't be alone."

Magnus nods. "I promise."

Magnus half carries Alec back into the bedroom. Alec keeps his vice-like grip on Magnus as the warlock goes through his closet. He pulls out a pair of sweat pants and a large t-shirt for Alec. Alec buries his head in the crook of Magnus' neck and inhales his scent.

"I'm sorry," Alec says.

"You have no reason to be. This wasn't your fault."

"No… about before…" Alec says.

Magnus takes in a deep breath. "I know."

"I just wanted to know more about you. That's why I went to her. You keep all your secrets to yourself. I figured that if I strung her along, she would tell me more. You know me inside and out, but I hardly know you at all. It didn't seem fair."

Magnus takes in what Alec just confessed to him. "You're right, it's not. I have lived a long life. I have many secrets. But I think I know I can tell you one thing that could put your heart at ease."

Alec pulls away and stares at Magnus.

"His name was William Herondale. I helped him settle a score with a Greater Demon. So as for payment, I used him to make Camille jealous. He was very much like that damned _parabatai_ of yours. In fact, they are so alike in so many ways but looks. We were never in a relationship. I should have told you that the first time his name was brought up."

"Thank you," Alec says softly. "I love you."

Magnus kisses his forehead. "I love you, too, Alexander. In fact, I love you so much the very thought of you hurt makes me want to scream in agony. It scares me. I've never loved anyone as much as I do you and I never will."

"Can we start over? Please?" Alec pleads.

Magnus takes in a deep breath. "We'd have to take it slow. It's gonna take some time for me to trust you again."

"I'll do whatever it takes. I'll even go have myself Turned just so I can have forever to make sure of it."

Magnus smiles sadly. "My brave Shadowhunter, I'm sure that won't be necessary."

The buzzer starts to go off. Magnus reluctantly pulls away from Alec and goes to answer it.

"Bane," he says in a monotone way.

"Hey, Sparkles, I heard you were keeping my other half captive. I came here to see if he is still in one piece."

Magnus scrawls. He looks over at Alec to make sure if that's alright with him. Alec nods slightly. He sits down on the couch and takes in a deep breath. "Head on up."

Magnus steps away from the call. Alec holds his arms out to him and Magnus. He sits down next to him. Alec curls into him at once.

"You're being clingy."

"I feel safe and at home. I'm in no hurry to make that go away."

Magnus holds Alec a bit tighter as the door opens. Jace comes in. He looks at the two nestled on the couch and sighs heavily.

"See, I knew you would be holding him hostage," Jace says in a light tone.

Magnus raises one of his arms and makes sparks appear. "I'll fight you for him."

"Bring it warlock."

"No fighting, you two. Besides, I'm not worth it."

Both Magnus and Jace turn and look at Alec. Alec blushes a bit and looks away.

"What do you mean, not worth it?" Jace asks. "You're my brother."

"I just don't want you two fighting, alright? I care deeply about both of you."

"Alec, I came here because I was worried about you; I still am in fact. Isabelle hasn't told me anything except that fact that she and Magnus tracked you and that they brought you here so Magnus could heal you. You weren't hurt after we fought that demon."

"I was attacked by a warlock. I don't know who he was and since it was really dark, I didn't get a good look at him either," Alec explains, partially lying. He did notice the warlock's features. The imagine burns behind his eyes every time he closes them.

"A warlock? That's against the Accords," Jace says.

"It doesn't matter. It happened and there's nothing that can be done about it," Alec says defensively.

"It does matter!" Jace yells.

"It doesn't because I don't want to talk about it!" Alec yells just as loud, glaring daggers into Jace.

"Alec, there isn't a need to get so riled up," Magnus says.

Alec pushes Magnus off of him and he stands to his feet. Every fiber of his being is telling him to run or fight, but since these are the two people he cares most about in this world, he'd rather just run. Alec suddenly feels claustrophobic. He feels everything around him start to close up on his. He can't seem to catch his breath. Magnus and Jace start to walk towards him but stop because Alec immediately goes into a fighting stance.

"Just stay back," Alec yells. "I can't- I can't…" Alec's vision starts to fade in and out. His breathing is so fast, but he still can't seem to get enough air into his lungs. "I can't breathe."

Alec blacks out and he feels himself fall.

Magnus is quick to cast a spell to prevent Alec from hitting the ground. He levitates the boy back onto the couch. He looks at Jace, who is as white as a ghost.

"Wh-what? I've never seen Alec act like that before."

Magnus shakes his head. "Alexander went through one hell of an ordeal. Or course, I know what happened because I had to heal each one of his injuries."

"How bad was it?" Jace asks.

Magnus shakes his head. "I'd rather him fight another Greater Demon than for him to have gone through what he did. It's not up to me to say. All I know is that Alec feels probably more vulnerable than he ever has."

Jace looks at Alec's passed out form. "I wasn't there to protect him like I should have been. That's what that stupid rune is for."

"I'm going to try to find that warlock that did this to him. You don't have to worry about that," Magnus says. "And he will find out just why I am High Warlock."

Jace gives a half grin. "Promise me I can help. I was raised by the most feared Shawdowhunter after all."

"Alright. I should let him go back to the Institute. I've done all that I could."

"Why not let him stay? It's obvious that you don't want him to leave and I know he'd rather not."

"It's not about what we want but what is good for him. I can't have him here."

"Why not?" Jace asks.

"You ask too many questions, Nephilim. Let's just say he isn't the only one who needs to heal, though my wounds, so to speak, aren't physical. I need to get something so can you wake him up?"

Jace nods. Magnus walks back into his bed room. He goes to his dresser and opens a little box that he has sitting on top of it. He takes out a key and holds it in his hand for a little while. He is willing to give Alec another shot only because of how strongly he feels for the younger boy. But they will be taking steps one at a time.

He goes back into the living room and sees Alec slipping on his shoes. Jace is standing by the door. The two look at him. Magnus comes up to Alec and gives him a hug and just hold him tightly.

"Aku cinta kamu," Magnus whispers in his ear.

They pull apart and Magnus hands the key to Alec. Alec smiles brightly.

"Thank you," Alec says.

"Just call before you start showing up. It doesn't matter the time. If there is chance you do call and I don't answer, that'll mean I'm probably with a client."

"Okay."

"And please, be safe."

"I promise."

"Don't worry, warlock. I'll bring your boyfriend safely back home," Jace says.

Magnus and Alec pull apart and Alec walks towards Jace. The two Shadowhunters walk in silence as they make their way out of the building. Jace hails down a cab and they get in. He lets the driver know where to take them. Alec stares out of the window.

"Things seemed to be better between you guys," Jace says.

"They are, in a way. I didn't explain my reasoning before. We're still not really back together."

"So what was all that about then?" Jace asks.

Alec shrugs. "Understanding. I love him and he loves me. But I'm finally realizing just how much. I have to just stop being so jealous. It's just… he's my first everything and he has a long past."

"Are you okay, though?" Jace asks, his voice full of concern.

Alec turns his head and looks at his almost brother. "I will be. I just have to take things one step at a time."


End file.
